There appears to have be been an invasion of my privacy at HQ. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to shamelessly sprinkle his idiosyncrasies in my research data! (Note to self: destroy Cali!)
I am still being held captive at the remote undisclosed location. The security here is quite impressive. I have remained the only prisoner for the duration of my stay, however they have doubled the amount of wardens. A male has now joined the female attending to me. She calls him things like “Hun” or “Baby.” These names must be some type of code, I have been attempting to decipher their meaning. So far I have concluded that H.U.N stands for Hitman for Unique Needs. I believe he is a sniper of some type sent here to observe me. The Feline Bureau of Investigations clearly wants him to learn as much as he can of my techniques so they can implement it into their own training practices! HA HA fools! I have out smarted all of you once again! You shall never learn anything from me. I will be nothing but a docile display of affection as far as you are concerned!
This is me sitting in the head wardens lap! She was cooing about how “sweet” I was. Typical woman! While sitting in her lap I began to plot my next escape strategy. The warden seemed to figure this out because she asked if I was “A good kitty?” Blast that wretched female and her mind reading capabilities! On second thought perhaps it was my tail wagging from the excitement of my latest escape route. To throw her off the scent I began to purr. That put the nail in the coffin; she continued to stroke my back and fiddle on her computer. (Note to self: attempt to uncover warden’s computer password… less time consuming than current unethical hacking techniques.)
SUBMIT TO OFFICIAL RECORDS: Mock up visuals for execution of "Escape Option A"
I have also mastered turning on the male wardens computer. He foolishly leaves it on the table for easy accessibility. Perhaps he is a rookie sniper?! If he is lacking in experience it is possible the FBI has not made a permanent impression in his mind. I might be able to teach him my ways and bring him over from enemy lines. I could use an assistant, and he has proven useful. (Note to self: begin background research on male warden)
The wardens also have continued with their attempts to destroy me from the inside. They recently acquired some type of wood-like fixture. They call it a “scratching post.” A torture device is what it is! They want me to use it so I shorten my talons, render myself defenseless, and seal the fate of my own demise! I clearly have under estimated their abilities. Well the day is MINE you manipulative peons, I will have nothing to do with this wooden block you bring to me! I will resist the sweet smell of cedar, and its beckoning calls to be caressed with my claws. I shall not fall for such traps!
This is a demonstration of a maneuver I have invented for self defense. I call it "The Cross Paws." It's purpose to protect the victim from anything that attempts to decrease the size of his claws. Perhaps I will teach it to the male warden after he has proven to be a worthy protege.
Till we meet again!
Oreo
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