Day #461 of my Captivity

Greetings My Followers:

I apologize for my lapse in progress updates. I was on a top secret mission and had to under go extensive training. I could not have any links to my technologies for fear it would provide me with a) distraction b) tracking of my whereabouts. I have switched to an i-phone now and I believe Apple is aware of my location at all times. However, I can not resist the utter brilliance of this contraption and have decided to forgo my privacy so that I may download what they call "apps."

Have you played the game they call Angry Birds? If not you should! It is quite extraordinary! You place a variety of birds into a sling-slot and catapult them at different semi-secure structures. Some are made of wooden sticks, others are stone. The object is to kill these goofy green faces. I like to pretend the green faces are various wardens and minions I have come into contact with in my life! I especially enjoy the one bird who can poop eggs onto them! Oh, it provides me with hours of mindless entertainment! I am still trying to figure out the source of the birds anger and resentment, but there is no doubt in my mind that whatever it is, it is warranted.

 

 

This is a photo of me playing with my new i-phone. I am submitting it for records for switch in communication methods!

 

Oh no! I just found out the i-pad 3 came out! Why didn't I wait and get that instead! It would make things so much easier if I did not have the cell phone capabilities. All the vagabonds at SB headquarters keep calling, asking questions about idiotic things like the location of the extra tooth brushes. Why can't you figure it out for yourselves if you are such geniuses??!?!?

Speaking of dim whits! I was conducting some background research on my enemies and I came across this pathetic display for attention on YouTube!  Melody, was a former resident at HQ with me. We did not get along! She was always saying I was not her type; chastising me for what she called my "paranoid" behavior. Melody also told me that I need to learn how to dress better! Well the day is mine Melody! Look at you now, doing tricks on a leash for the affection of humans... You remind me of a harlot! HA HA! I feel like I just attended to a HS reunion and my ex-girlfriend gained 100lbs and works the graveyard shift at a rest stop on the side of the freeway. I RUE THE DAY I MET YOU MELODY!

 

 

I am submitting her video for documentation for no other reason than that of my own amusement! Do you hear the mundane voice narrating this pathetic excuse of a documentary? She doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box does she? Melody is obviously working with a low-budget among other things!

 

 

 

I have also been very busy working on my latest escape route. I have come into possession of what I believe they call a metro map. My research leads me to believe that each colorful line is a different route transporting one from point A to B. This device can prove very useful once I break free of my jail cell. Note to Self: use i-phone GPS capabilities to figure out immediate location so I can determine my starting point.

 

 

Submitting map to official records

 

 

I also have concluded that a clear encasement structure shall by my exit route. It seems to be a direct portal to the outside world. I believe there is some type of password protected laser force covering it. I will need to deactivate this first before I attempt to breech security and flee!

Submit visuals to official records.

That is all for now my followers, I must get back to planning!

Till we meet again!

Oreo

Day # 447 of my Captivity

 Greetings Minions!

There appears to have be been an invasion of my privacy at HQ. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to shamelessly sprinkle his idiosyncrasies in my research data! (Note to self: destroy Cali!)

I am still being held captive at the remote undisclosed location. The security here is quite impressive. I have remained the only prisoner for the duration of my stay, however they have doubled the amount of wardens. A male has now joined the female attending to me.  She calls him things like “Hun” or “Baby.” These names must be some type of code, I have been attempting to decipher their meaning. So far I have concluded that H.U.N stands for Hitman for Unique Needs.  I believe he is a sniper of some type sent here to observe me. The Feline Bureau of Investigations clearly wants him to learn as much as he can of my techniques so they can implement it into their own training practices! HA HA fools! I have out smarted all of you once again! You shall never learn anything from me. I will be nothing but a docile display of affection as far as you are concerned!

This is me sitting in the head wardens lap! She was cooing about how “sweet” I was. Typical woman! While sitting in her lap I began to plot my next escape strategy. The warden seemed to figure this out because she asked if I was “A good kitty?” Blast that wretched female and her mind reading capabilities! On second thought perhaps it was my tail wagging from the excitement of my latest escape route. To throw her off the scent I began to purr. That put the nail in the coffin; she continued to stroke my back and fiddle on her computer. (Note to self: attempt to uncover warden’s computer password… less time consuming than current unethical hacking techniques.)

SUBMIT TO OFFICIAL RECORDS: Mock up visuals for execution of "Escape Option A"

I have also mastered turning on the male wardens computer. He foolishly leaves it on the table for easy accessibility. Perhaps he is a rookie sniper?! If he is lacking in experience it is possible the FBI has not made a permanent impression in his mind. I might be able to teach him my ways and bring him over from enemy lines. I could use an assistant, and he has proven useful. (Note to self: begin background research on male warden)

The wardens also have continued with their attempts to destroy me from the inside. They recently acquired some type of wood-like fixture. They call it a “scratching post.” A torture device is what it is! They want me to use it so I shorten my talons, render myself defenseless, and seal the fate of my own demise! I clearly have under estimated their abilities. Well the day is MINE you manipulative peons, I will have nothing to do with this wooden block you bring to me! I will resist the sweet smell of cedar, and its beckoning calls to be caressed with my claws. I shall not fall for such traps!

This is a demonstration of a maneuver I have invented for self defense. I call it "The Cross Paws." It's purpose to protect the victim from anything that attempts to decrease the size of his claws. Perhaps I will teach it to the male warden after he has proven to be a worthy protege.

Till we meet again!

Oreo

Hacking Alert!!!!!

***Hacking alert***

Hey Dudes, What’s Up? My name is Cali and I am like a totally awesome cat! Check out these threads on my coat they are orange! Everyone knows that orange cats are like totally righteous! Alright so I’m here on Oreo’s blog, he left his password on a post-it note next to the computer so I figured he wanted us to come on here and like totally talk to people right?

So like Oreo man, that dude was a total drag. He was really ruining the vibe of this place with all his crazy conspiracy theories! I was always like “dude you need to chill, everything is fine man.” Then he would be all like “Cali, I will destroy you!” and then I would be like “Woah you’re gonna destroy me? Not cool don’t destroy me.”

Anywho… Oreo left. He said he was being relocated or something, but I think it’s cool man cause now the room has very calm vibe going on. Little Sassy has been leading us in some Yoga classes every morning. We do a little stretching, a little meditation really bring a positive feeling to our whole environment you catch my drift? Yoga is really great man; good for the soul. I also like to surf I can’t wait until it’s warm out, cause then I‘m gonna totally do some really awesome surfing! In fact I tried to practice doing a tidal wave on Mooka the other day, but he didn’t like it. He was like all like “Cali can you stop being so lazy and do something with your time?” and then I was like “Woah Mooka don’t be like that, everything is cool.”

I don’t think Mooka likes me. I’m not lazy I just like to think of myself as like totally laid back. I go with the flow. Everyday visitors come in to see us, I’m all like hey guys what’s up? Oh you want to pet me? Sure you should totally pet me that’s cool! Oh you want to pick me up? Sure yeah totally pick me up. Oh you want to hold me in an awkward position that isn’t really comfortable for me? Yeah that’s fine I don’t really mind. Whatever you dudes want I’m down man… I’m just very chill ya know?

I’m officially the nicest cat here hands down! I took a vote and it was unanimous. I like totally asked myself Cali, who do you think is the nicest cat here? Then I was like woah man I dunno it’s kind of hard but if I had to pick just one I would say Cali! Yeah!!!!! So right on peoples you should like totally come in and meet me. I’ll like give you a tour of the place, show you my favorite spots to nap in, where the food is, where the toys are. I’ll like totally give you the 411!

Ok well I should get going, Hugo needs to use the computer to update his on-line dating profile.
PARTY ON DUDES!
Meow it up!

Cali

Day #437 of my Captivity

Comrades - I am writing this to you from a remote location. I have not been properly briefed on this operation, but from what I can gather my whereabouts were discovered and I was relocated to a maximum security facility.

As it would appear I am the only prisoner in these quarters, very much like that Tiger in "Kung Fu Panda." Did you see that movie? Very funny! On to more pressing matters!

I was degraded in the most horrific way possible in order for them to transport me here. The head warden inserted me into a torture device. I believe this warden is certifiably insane, thinks she is Paris Hilton and has confused me with a metro-sexual teacup Chiuaua.

I have included a photo for proper documentation.

Naturally it was degrading, even if I do look pretty in pink!

After a my torturous spout of transportation we arrived at the maximum security prison and I was greeted by my new warden. I must admit conditions here are highly improved from headquarters; I have much more space to cover. However I am not falling for this decoy, I believe this is an attempt at distraction. The enemy wants to me to lose focus and busy myself with exploring so that I am not on to them. Well try as you may spawn I have already discovered your secret! It appears they have installed a hypnotic device into the ceiling. The warden pulls a chain and it spins around in rapid circles spilling a refreshing breeze. I will not fall for this though! I will be sure to stay far away from the hypnotic device she possesses! I can not get distracted I must remain skeptical of everything!

Here are some photos I have gathered for Intel on my current conditions.

I am uncertain of what this device is, but I am sure it is some type of solitary confinement cell.

I believe this is supposed to be my new sleeping quarters, or perhaps used for some type of ancient practice the new warden calls "Yoga"... I think she means "Yoda." Perhaps she is trying to subtly hint that she knows I am in fact a Jedi Master!

Victorious!!! I have discovered the perfect sniper position! My special forces training has taught me proper aerial attacks.

Oh no! This contraption the warden calls "a rug" seems very soft and plush. Perhaps this is what she does to inmates who do not behave! This will not be me! I will out smart you... see photo below for documentation.

I call this "Operation Nice Kitty"

Till we meet again!

Oreo

P.S. My computer was left behind at SB Headquarters, I hope none of the other inmates successfully hack into the system! Please make me aware ASAP if they start posting here. I can not have my research contaminated with their nonsense!